Who is the real you?

One of the most common questions I hear from my clients is ‘who is the real me?’ and it’s this question that sparked, over a decade ago, a pretty intense investigation, by yours truly.

The question itself though is a little misleading, because there’s some confusion around what the word REAL really means, so lets clear that up right away.

REAL and ‘unreal’ has nothing to do with existing and non-existing
The contemplative traditions use the word REAL to mean permanent and unchanging, not to mean existing or non-existing. A brick wall for example exists and trust me if you’ve ever run into one you’ll know for sure that it does, however according to the contemplative traditions, it’s not REAL, which simply means it’s not forever permanent and unchanging.

The brick wall was dreamed up by someone, for some purpose and constructed at some point in the past, and it will with an absolute certainty at some point in the future cease to exist, therefore it’s not REAL.

If we use this definition of REAL, then there is nothing in the known universe that is REAL, everything that exists is in a constant state of change or ‘flux’, in much the same way as it would be insane to talk of an echo-system remaining unchanged and unaltered, forever. To be a part of the known universe means to be in a state of constant change and therefore UNREAL.

It’s pretty obvious then, that according to this definition of REAL, your self-image, mindset, the way you feel, think and act (your behaviour) and the way you and others picture you (image), is UNREAL’, but not ‘non-existing’.

You exist and are therefore real, in let’s say the modern way of talking.

What do the contemplative traditions mean by the REAL you?
They mean the you that never changes, ever and is completely and unalterably permanent. Know of such a you? Have you ever experienced such a you? This is not an intellectual question, you either do or you don’t and there is nothing including your thinking, learning, arguments, rationalising or studying that can ever, ever understand anything about this REAL you, it’s an indescribable experience.

Yes, it is a mind-bender only because it’s been buried under thousands of years of superfluous and often ‘secret’ and misinterpreted dogma.

Without experiencing this you, you simply can’t experience REAL freedom and without REAL freedom, you remain locked into a mostly antagonistic relationship with mindset, behaviour, image and events and circumstances and this does not bode well for your quality of life.

So, who is the real you?
You are many you’s and in the modern way of talking they’re all real and all need to be attended to. You are the absolute REAL you, pure silence, stillness, space, the great ‘nothingness’ that the contemplatives talk about, you are your mindset and your behaviour, you are your self-image, you are the image others have about you and you are the results, relationships and circumstances of your life and they are all real.

The question you need to be asking yourself is. ‘In which me should I be investing my time and energy?’

• Your Image

Managing self-image feels good and seems easy and managing other people’s image of you is manipulative and both have almost real sustainable value.

• Your behaviour

Is simply your mindset responding to the flow of circumstance and events, takes up a lot of time and energy and has almost zero real sustainable value.

• The events and circumstances of your life

You have influence if you’ve mastered your mindset otherwise you have little, and almost zero real sustainable value

• Your mindset

This determines your behaviour and your degree of influence over events, takes time to master delivers real sustainable value.

• The REAL you

Little tricky to wrap your head around, but without developing presence a better quality of life is almost impossible and mastering your mindset difficult and tedious.

Note:
REAL - unchanging and permanent
real - the modern way of talking about, that which exists.