From the bathroom I heard a voice, that of one of my daughters, yes I have 3, shout, ‘mommy, I need some soap’, and from the kitchen I heard mommy, that would be my wife, shout in reply, ‘don’t shout at me from another room, it’s rude’.
An easy observation would be that my wife, believing that shouting from another room was rude, was making efforts to train my daughter in more polite behaviour.
But what was really going on is fascinating.
My wife was communicating two very distinct and conflicting messages, one verbally and another through the volume and tone of her voice, both behaviour. One message said clearly that shouting from another room was rude, and the other that it was perfectly acceptable, since that was exactly what she was doing.
My daughter heard and understood both those conflicting messages, and a few more besides. The words themselves she dismissed, since non-verbal communication is much more reliable, and the other she learned and used to developed her inner belief system. She also heard and understood that it’s perfectly ok to be inconsistent, irrational and say things you don’t mean.
Besides laughing to myself at this little demonstration of our human inconsistency, I could have asked my wife what it was that she really believed, but right then I determined the moment to be inappropriate, and that dinner, which she was cooking more important to me than another of my random mindset inquiries, however entertaining.
So I did the next best thing, I asked myself the question. ‘Self, what is it that you really believe about shouting from another room?’ I noticed that I wanted to believe that I believed shouting to someone from one room to another was rude and that I wouldn’t do it, but I just wasn't sure about what is was that I actually believed.
So over the next few months, I carefully and diligently watched my behaviour, not trying to control it, but to simply observe and from that observation learn what is was that I actually believed.
The results surprised and I learned
- That I had no particular belief about shouting from another room, I did it when I wanted to and argued it was impolite when the shouting of someone else bothered me.
- That functionally, it’s just not practical to walk over to another room every time you want to say something to another person in that room.
- That I responded cooperatively to the shouted requests of others when I was available and objectionably when I was busy, absorbed or disinterested and therefore inconvenienced.
I must admit to being a little disappointed in myself, for not having a more noble belief system, but after having gotten over my own disappointment, I felt liberated from the weight of thinking I believed something which I clearly did not.
I then began noticing a shift in my behaviour.
- When someone shouted a request or instruction to me from another room and I was busy or absorbed, I responded quickly and without distraction and indignation, with a ‘no can do’, and if available I would simply respond.
- When shouting a request or instruction to someone else from another room I already anticipated an easy going cooperation, reluctant indignant cooperation or some BS story about shouting from another room, which simply meant the other person was to busy, absorbed or uninterested.
- I considered the implications and consequences a little more carefully before just bellowing, knowing it’s almost impossible to predict and therefore control [influence] the response I got.
Through this little exercise I became more sensitive, intelligent and compassionate and started experiencing more consistent and less aggravating results.
The Big Picture Implications?
Corporations, governments, small businesses, leaders, parents, teachers and organisations do this repetitively and consistently, say one thing, which they truly think they believe, and do something quite different, and they’re completely oblivious to the inherent contradiction and respond with self-righteous indignation and anger when the inconsistently is drawn to their attention.
They’re also mortified when the results they get are contradictory to the objectives they believed they had, and yet completely aligned with the ‘hidden’ mindset assumptions they actually have.
Inadvertently I, because I did this, and my wife where training our daughters to firstly shout from another room, which is arbitrary, but secondly to ignore our verbal instructions, which they learned well, obviously completely contradictory to our aspirations.
We do it in our marketing communication and pricing strategies, in our prospect and old client follow-up, in our business branding and in raising our children and communicating with our friends and family, and we’re just as oblivious and just as likely to react with outrage and justification when our inconsistencies are exposed.
The truth is that what you think you believe has very little, or more likely is the very opposite to what it is that you actually believe, and it’s what you actually believe that’s driving your behaviour, the logic you use, and the systems you develop, and it’s your behaviour, logic and systems that are consistently and powerfully influencing the results you experience.
As a coach one of the most powerful roles I play lies in helping my clients becomes aware of and reconcile these massively pervasive and completely irrational inconsistencies between what they want and think they believe and what they get and actually believe, and although it’s possible to do this yourself it takes time and dedication, and could be achieved infinitely faster, meaning infinitely faster results.
Coaching and mentoring is an invaluable resource for those who are serious in their ambitions to get out of their own way and achieve what it is that they actually want to achieve.
No comments:
Post a Comment